Dating in kenya is shit!!!!!!
( Drama from REAL life experiences ....read on..)
Chic: (calls Guy ): "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. si we do some
nyama .. ?"
Guy: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawa sweetie..how about Buffet Park ....Shall I pick u at 2 ..?"
Chic: "Sawa.. laterz."
(Guy amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, puts on jeans and polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms, then drives to the Chics crib...)
So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks.
Guy (to Chic): So what do u want to have .. ?
Chic: just anything...(aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyo ni jibu gani ..?)
Guy (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu, kilo moja na nusu, choma, ...ikuje na kachum... (chic interrupts Guy.. ! )
Chic: Apana.. eeiishh..! ..Si you know I don't eat goat meat..!
Guy: (thinks to himself...("Really..!... then why didn't you say so in the first place, nugu hii") (To Chic) .. How about beef then..?
Chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like mathunya...( Guy looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself..."ati fat,you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely ... 2 grams of fat are negligible..")
Guy: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina mafuta. (butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it up for Guy to see)
Guy: "Weka hiyo nione...(as the butcher is weighing it on the scale... the Chic points at a small..... very very small piece of fat on the meat)
Chic: "Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana , tuonyeshe ingine..."
(Butcher curses .... under his breath. Other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start to curse . Guy feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fat jang'o women they pitad on their way in. Chic points at a fresh carcass of meat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on the floor.
Chic: "Kata pale.. ..."
Butcher: "Hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti ..(butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale)
Chic: "Apana..!.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store..."
Guy: (to Chic) " Eeh ..lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat the mathunya pieces ama... ?"
Chic: "OK"
Guy: (to butcher) "Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach.Ongeza ugali mbili..."
Chic: .. "Ugali..? me I dont want ugg..Dont they have Chipos..?"
Chic: (to butcher) "Leta na ugali moja na chips mbili..."
Guy: ( thinks to himself... no wonder her butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni kundule ..)
Butcher: "KAMAU...!!! Oya nyama ino..! ..ni furae, na wikire nyanya, dhania na spinashi... ndugekire waaru..(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kitchen behind him)
Butcher: "Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53 ... Itachukwa ithaa
moja ...."
Guy pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag..So we enter the open space of the club and sit down. Waiter comes,Guy orders his cold Tusker,
Chic orders her malt. We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda... then there is this mama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas, sausages and mshikakis..
Chic: "Wewe ..psst ppstt.. nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ..."
Guy: (shocked).. "Haiya, si u wait for the meat.."
Chic: "I will still kula the meat..."
Guy: ok (and she proceeds to kula 3 samoz and 3 mshikakis)
One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice... "Bonne Appetit"..! ..
Karibu Nyama " ... Guy invites the Chic and thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba... LAKINI WAPI..! Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama. As if that is NOT ENOUGH ... 3 minutes later:...
Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter! niletee serviettes pliz..na toothpicks..."
Guy: (cursing silently ) " Why arent you eating nyama...."
Chic: "I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u jua the way they can be nasty ..??.
Without another word Guy proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter to pack the rest of the meat in a juala , patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car ...... Then he fungulias the carburetor
... "Leta TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20 mins..
Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours... to the amazement of the Guy ...
Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! ..niitie yule mama wa sambusa....(Guy closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed to Topaz....Fish and Chips...! ).
So later on at around 12:30 pm Guy takes the chick to the car and starts being naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they are catching rubs like .....)
Guy : " Baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private ..??"
Chic: "Aaaah.. aaah... you naughty boy..!!! ..rrrrrrr... sure , whats on your mind...?"
Guy: " Ill show you ...! ( Guy drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake ..40 kgs of pure booty ... occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tiny skirt) .
Before long they get to Guys crib , struggle and grope all the way to the third floor.
Guy :( Panting , both already half naked, he tries to remove her panties).
Chic: "Wweeee..!!.. iz how ??....what you trying to do..?"
Guy: (amazed) " Kwani what do you think ..?"
Chic: "Bilaz ..!!..I dont want..!!"
Guy: " Come on babe..!.."
Chic: (pulling a very serious look) " NO..! ..Dont do that..!.."
Guy: " Hala..! ..whats the matter..!.. ( thinking ... si thambutha umekula ? .. na viazi vya mafuta ?..)
Chic: " I can't..! .."
Guy : ( thinking ....Tusker Malt tano na nyama ya ngombe fry ? ... APANA .... Shuma lazima ilale ndani..!..)
Chic: " I'm rolling ...!!!..
Guy: " SH*T ..!!!.."
Wednesday 10 October 2007
Tuesday 9 October 2007
ELECTION MONITORING JOBS FROM KNHRC.
>The Kenya National Commission on Human Rights (KNCHR) is a public body
>established by Parliament with the mandate of leading the protection
and
>promotion of human rights in Kenya by, inter alia, challenging the
>culture of impunity, and inducing accountability of the political
class
>to the voters.
>
>In furtherance of this mandate, the KNCHR plans to monitor the conduct
>of the politicians during campaigns for the General Elections, with a
>view to strengthen democratic governance in Kenya by creating and
>enforcing disincentives for politicians and public servants to misuse
>state resources in partisan political campaigns or incite the
citizenry
>to violence.
>
>Towards this end, the KNCHR invites applications from qualified,
>committed and readily available persons to urgently fill the following
>vacancies in the elections monitoring project:
>
>Project Coordinator
>
>Duration of Contract: 5 months
>
>Key Result Areas
>
>* Coordinating the day-to-day implementation of the election
monitoring
>project
>* Preparing periodic project reports.
>* Prepare a summative report at the end of the project.
>* Managing and supervising project staff and monitors
>* Providing technical expertise on project matters
>* Convening periodic meetings of the project
>* Quality assurance of the programme outputs
>* Liaison and consultations with the project coordinator
>* Ensuring adequate and effective flow of information within the
project
>
>
>Desired Qualifications:
>
>* Bachelors Degree and/or Masters Degree in Social Sciences.
>* Good understanding of human rights issues
>* Knowledge of the Kenyan electoral process and environment
>* Good organizational and analytical skills
>* Skills in managing large sets of data
>* Good interpersonal and people management skills
>* Demonstrable research, writing and communication skills
>* Demonstrable solid commitment to human rights and social justice
>* Experience in lobbying and advocacy work
>
>
>Data Analyst
>
>Duration of Contract: 5 months
>
>Key Result Areas
>
>* Assist Coordinator to verify information
>* Create a functional and effective elections monitoring database
>* Create reporting formats based on the data gathered
>* supervise data entry and data processing
>* assist the project officer in analysis and compilation of project
>reports
>* To perform any other lawful duties as may be assigned from time to
>time by the Program head.
>* Report to Program Officer
>
>
>Desired Qualifications
>
>* Bachelors Degree and/or Masters Degree in information technology or
>social sciences.
>* Skills in database management
>* Knowledge of the Kenyan electoral process and environment
>* Skills in managing large sets of data
>* Good interpersonal and people management skills
>* Demonstrable research, writing and communication skills
>* Demonstrable solid commitment to human rights and social justice
>
>
>Election Monitors
>
>Duration of Contract: 4 months
>
>Key Result Areas
>
> * To monitor and accurately record incidences of
>
> * Incitement to violence
> * Occurrences of violence
> * Abuse of public office and misuse of
>state resources
> * Hate speech on the basis of race,
>colour, descent or national or ethnic origin, as well as religion
>
> * Prepare and submit weekly monitoring reports to the
>project coordinator
>
> * To perform any other lawful duties as may be assigned
>from time to time by the project coordinator.
>
>In order to undertake the assignment, the monitor shall:
>
> * Participate in the induction training that will be
>organized by KNCHR
> * Not delegate the assignment to any other person
> * Use the monitoring tool provided by KNCHR.
>
>Required Qualifications
>
> * Bachelors degree or diploma
> * Knowledge of the Kenyan electoral process and
>environment
> * Demonstrable research and interviewing skills
> * Demonstrable writing and communication skills.
> * Ability and willingness to work in difficult situations.
>
> * Demonstrable solid commitment to human rights and social
>justice
>
>Data Entry Clerks
>
>Duration of Contract: 4 months
>
>Key Result Areas
>
>* To enter data field into the election monitoring database
>* To assist the data analyst and the project coordinator in collating,
>analyzing and producing periodic reports on the project.
>* To perform any other lawful duties as may be assigned from time to
>time by the project coordinator.
>
>
>In order to undertake the assignment, the monitor shall:
>
>* Participate in the induction training that will be organized by
KNCHR
>* Not delegate the assignment to any other person
>
>Required Qualifications
>
>* Bachelors degree or diploma in a relevant field.
>* Proficiency in data related computer operations.
>* Demonstrable computer typing skills.
>* Knowledge of the Kenyan electoral process and environment
>* Ability and willingness to work in difficult situations.
>* Demonstrable solid commitment to human rights and social justice
>
>
>
>Interested applicants are urgently invited to forward their
applications
>plus CVs to the address below with the envelop clearly indicating the
>interested position. Applications should include telephone contact and
>can also be submitted electronically to the email address given below.
>Only candidates who are shortlisted will be contacted via email or
>telephone.
Kenya National Commission On Human Rights
>1st Floor, CVS Plaza , Lenana Road
>P.O. Box 74359-00200, Nairobi-Kenya
>Tel: 254-20-2717928/2717256/2717908/2712664
>Fax:254-20-2716160
>Email: haki@knchr.org
>Website: www.knchr.org
>established by Parliament with the mandate of leading the protection
and
>promotion of human rights in Kenya by, inter alia, challenging the
>culture of impunity, and inducing accountability of the political
class
>to the voters.
>
>In furtherance of this mandate, the KNCHR plans to monitor the conduct
>of the politicians during campaigns for the General Elections, with a
>view to strengthen democratic governance in Kenya by creating and
>enforcing disincentives for politicians and public servants to misuse
>state resources in partisan political campaigns or incite the
citizenry
>to violence.
>
>Towards this end, the KNCHR invites applications from qualified,
>committed and readily available persons to urgently fill the following
>vacancies in the elections monitoring project:
>
>Project Coordinator
>
>Duration of Contract: 5 months
>
>Key Result Areas
>
>* Coordinating the day-to-day implementation of the election
monitoring
>project
>* Preparing periodic project reports.
>* Prepare a summative report at the end of the project.
>* Managing and supervising project staff and monitors
>* Providing technical expertise on project matters
>* Convening periodic meetings of the project
>* Quality assurance of the programme outputs
>* Liaison and consultations with the project coordinator
>* Ensuring adequate and effective flow of information within the
project
>
>
>Desired Qualifications:
>
>* Bachelors Degree and/or Masters Degree in Social Sciences.
>* Good understanding of human rights issues
>* Knowledge of the Kenyan electoral process and environment
>* Good organizational and analytical skills
>* Skills in managing large sets of data
>* Good interpersonal and people management skills
>* Demonstrable research, writing and communication skills
>* Demonstrable solid commitment to human rights and social justice
>* Experience in lobbying and advocacy work
>
>
>Data Analyst
>
>Duration of Contract: 5 months
>
>Key Result Areas
>
>* Assist Coordinator to verify information
>* Create a functional and effective elections monitoring database
>* Create reporting formats based on the data gathered
>* supervise data entry and data processing
>* assist the project officer in analysis and compilation of project
>reports
>* To perform any other lawful duties as may be assigned from time to
>time by the Program head.
>* Report to Program Officer
>
>
>Desired Qualifications
>
>* Bachelors Degree and/or Masters Degree in information technology or
>social sciences.
>* Skills in database management
>* Knowledge of the Kenyan electoral process and environment
>* Skills in managing large sets of data
>* Good interpersonal and people management skills
>* Demonstrable research, writing and communication skills
>* Demonstrable solid commitment to human rights and social justice
>
>
>Election Monitors
>
>Duration of Contract: 4 months
>
>Key Result Areas
>
> * To monitor and accurately record incidences of
>
> * Incitement to violence
> * Occurrences of violence
> * Abuse of public office and misuse of
>state resources
> * Hate speech on the basis of race,
>colour, descent or national or ethnic origin, as well as religion
>
> * Prepare and submit weekly monitoring reports to the
>project coordinator
>
> * To perform any other lawful duties as may be assigned
>from time to time by the project coordinator.
>
>In order to undertake the assignment, the monitor shall:
>
> * Participate in the induction training that will be
>organized by KNCHR
> * Not delegate the assignment to any other person
> * Use the monitoring tool provided by KNCHR.
>
>Required Qualifications
>
> * Bachelors degree or diploma
> * Knowledge of the Kenyan electoral process and
>environment
> * Demonstrable research and interviewing skills
> * Demonstrable writing and communication skills.
> * Ability and willingness to work in difficult situations.
>
> * Demonstrable solid commitment to human rights and social
>justice
>
>Data Entry Clerks
>
>Duration of Contract: 4 months
>
>Key Result Areas
>
>* To enter data field into the election monitoring database
>* To assist the data analyst and the project coordinator in collating,
>analyzing and producing periodic reports on the project.
>* To perform any other lawful duties as may be assigned from time to
>time by the project coordinator.
>
>
>In order to undertake the assignment, the monitor shall:
>
>* Participate in the induction training that will be organized by
KNCHR
>* Not delegate the assignment to any other person
>
>Required Qualifications
>
>* Bachelors degree or diploma in a relevant field.
>* Proficiency in data related computer operations.
>* Demonstrable computer typing skills.
>* Knowledge of the Kenyan electoral process and environment
>* Ability and willingness to work in difficult situations.
>* Demonstrable solid commitment to human rights and social justice
>
>
>
>Interested applicants are urgently invited to forward their
applications
>plus CVs to the address below with the envelop clearly indicating the
>interested position. Applications should include telephone contact and
>can also be submitted electronically to the email address given below.
>Only candidates who are shortlisted will be contacted via email or
>telephone.
Kenya National Commission On Human Rights
>1st Floor, CVS Plaza , Lenana Road
>P.O. Box 74359-00200, Nairobi-Kenya
>Tel: 254-20-2717928/2717256/2717908/2712664
>Fax:254-20-2716160
>Email: haki@knchr.org
>Website: www.knchr.org
Saturday 6 October 2007
WATU WOTE NA KIBAKI
Vijana na Kibaki,
Warembo na Kibaki,
Wanawake na Kibaki,
Makanga na Kibaki,
Wezi na Kibaki (Anglo-Leasing),
Moi na Kibaki,
Uhuru na Kibaki,
na Kadhalika na Kibaki.
Sasa watu wote na Kibaki.
Kibaki akibaki atamaliza mali yote iliyobakishwa na AngloLeasing!
Warembo na Kibaki,
Wanawake na Kibaki,
Makanga na Kibaki,
Wezi na Kibaki (Anglo-Leasing),
Moi na Kibaki,
Uhuru na Kibaki,
na Kadhalika na Kibaki.
Sasa watu wote na Kibaki.
Kibaki akibaki atamaliza mali yote iliyobakishwa na AngloLeasing!
Tuesday 2 October 2007
Humanity will not come of age with science, but rather by shedding religion!
Food For Thought.
** Perhaps the greatest sin of the Western churches (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) has been the particular brand of narcissism that impels so many to feel they have God all sewn up and put in their back pocket. People who think that they not only have a ticket to heaven, but anyone who disagrees with them is going straight to hell!
They believe in God, but do not believe that God is bigger than their own theology. In their arrogance they do not realized that God is not theirs to possess! -Paraphrased from M. Scott Peck
sourced from http://god-101.blogspot.com by allan.
** Perhaps the greatest sin of the Western churches (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) has been the particular brand of narcissism that impels so many to feel they have God all sewn up and put in their back pocket. People who think that they not only have a ticket to heaven, but anyone who disagrees with them is going straight to hell!
They believe in God, but do not believe that God is bigger than their own theology. In their arrogance they do not realized that God is not theirs to possess! -Paraphrased from M. Scott Peck
sourced from http://god-101.blogspot.com by allan.
Monday 1 October 2007
CHECK YOUR VOTER'S CARD STATUS.
We are nearing the 10th General Election and as it were, its important that you verify that indeed you are in the voter's roll and that your voter's particulars are correct.
Just key in your ID or Voter's card number and check your voter status from the comfort of your desk.Or rather grab a colleagues ID card and log just to know.
Check where you will vote in December now and confirm if it is correct!!
You can now confirm voter registration on the ECK website by entering your ID or voter card number in the top right hand corner of the web page.. Click on the following link:
http://www.eck. or.ke/component/ option,com_ frontpage/ Itemid,1
If you are captured as a double registered voter, go and sought out it out at Nyayo house 7th floor room 13.
Just key in your ID or Voter's card number and check your voter status from the comfort of your desk.Or rather grab a colleagues ID card and log just to know.
Check where you will vote in December now and confirm if it is correct!!
You can now confirm voter registration on the ECK website by entering your ID or voter card number in the top right hand corner of the web page.. Click on the following link:
http://www.eck. or.ke/component/ option,com_ frontpage/ Itemid,1
If you are captured as a double registered voter, go and sought out it out at Nyayo house 7th floor room 13.
CHECK YOUR VOTER'S CARD STATUS.
We are nearing the 10th General Election and as it were, its important that you verify that indeed you are in the voter's roll and that your voter's particulars are correct.
Just key in your ID or Voter's card number and check your voter status from the comfort of your desk.Or rather grab a colleagues ID card and log just to know.
Check where you will vote in December now and confirm if it is correct!!
You can now confirm voter registration on the ECK website by entering your ID or voter card number in the top right hand corner of the web page.. Click on the following link:
http://www.eck. or.ke/component/ option,com_ frontpage/ Itemid,1
If you are captured as a double registered voter, go and sought out it out at Nyayo house 7th floor room 13.
Just key in your ID or Voter's card number and check your voter status from the comfort of your desk.Or rather grab a colleagues ID card and log just to know.
Check where you will vote in December now and confirm if it is correct!!
You can now confirm voter registration on the ECK website by entering your ID or voter card number in the top right hand corner of the web page.. Click on the following link:
http://www.eck. or.ke/component/ option,com_ frontpage/ Itemid,1
If you are captured as a double registered voter, go and sought out it out at Nyayo house 7th floor room 13.
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